Gundam Wing's Greatest Hits
by Luna Stop Swearing
Summary: Song parodies to the max...
1. Default Chapter

Rebel (All Star by Smash Mouth parody)  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Smash Mouth, or their song All Star, though I wish I do. same with Gundam Wing. I spend every waking moment wishing I owned them too, but I don't.  
  
A/N: This is dedicated to my friend, Loren Rivera, who's changing schools. O, Loren, nangako ako sayo na mame-mention ka sa isang fic ko. Eto sayo.  
  
Other stuff: I also somewhat altered this because Ahem also has a great parody called 'Pilot' which mine is similar to. So, Ahem, I'm TOTALLY sorry. I hope none of our lines are similar now. Again, I'm SO sorry!  
  
  
  
Duo: Somebody once told me  
  
That OZ and Romefeller are gonna rule me  
  
I ain't got the sharpest scythe in the jet  
  
OZ soldiers were lookin' kinda dumb  
  
As my fingers and my thumbs  
  
Went to the controls of Deathscythe  
  
Well, the bad guys start coming  
  
And they don't stop coming  
  
Someone got my Gundam blown up and I screamed on the ground, bumming  
  
Didn't make sense just to fight for peace  
  
You win the battle but you lose the war  
  
So much to destroy, so much to blow  
  
So what's wrong with hiding out with Hilde?  
  
You'll never know if you don't go  
  
Quatre: GO!  
  
(Music stops and Duo stops singing, and everyone looks at Quatre annoyedly.)  
  
Heero (hissing into Quatre's ear): You idiot! Not YET!  
  
Quatre: Uh...oops?  
  
Wufei: I'll 'oops' you later, you test tube reject!  
  
Quatre: *gulp*  
  
(Duo rolls his eyes and continues singing)  
  
Duo: You'll never win if you don't blow...  
  
All pilots: Hey now, you're a rebel,  
  
Get the war on, get rayed  
  
Hey now, you're a pilot,  
  
Get the show on, get (A/N: I wanted to put 'laid,' but nah...) Treize  
  
Duo: Our lives are cheaper than gold  
  
Only shooting stars break the mold  
  
Duo: It's a cool place  
  
Wufei: Antarctica!  
  
Duo: And they say it gets colder  
  
You're hospitalized now  
  
But wait 'til you get older  
  
But the kooky scientists with letters for names beg to differ  
  
Judging by the hole in the space colony picture  
  
The ice we fight on is getting pretty thin  
  
The water's getting warm...  
  
(Duo stops singing as someone screams off-set.)  
  
Trowa: HEY! WHO PEED IN THE WATER?  
  
All pilots: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Duo: I'm trying to SING HERE!  
  
Heero (in a low voice): TRYING is right.  
  
Duo: I HEARD THAT!!!!  
  
(Resumes singing)  
  
Duo: So you might as well scream  
  
My world's on fire  
  
I set fire to yours!  
  
Wufei: WOO-HOO!  
  
(Duo rolls his eyes and continues singing)  
  
Duo: That's how screwed my world is and I'll never get bored  
  
Heero: HEY!  
  
All pilots: Hey now, you're a rebel,  
  
Get the war on, get rayed  
  
Hey now, you're a pilot,  
  
Get the show on, get Treize  
  
Duo: Our lives are cheaper than gold  
  
Only shooting stars break the mold  
  
Somebody once asked if I could spare some parts for his Gundam  
  
I've got to get the hell away from you...  
  
Heero: Hey! I'm gonna whoop some Maxwell ass...  
  
(Wufei jabs Heero in the rubs with his elbow to shut up)  
  
Heero: Ow....  
  
Duo: I said nah, what a concept  
  
I'm getting real tired of you myself  
  
And we could all use a little change  
  
Well! The bad guys keep coming  
  
And they don't stop coming  
  
Someone got my Gundam blown up and I screamed on the ground, bumming  
  
Didn't make sense just to fight for peace  
  
You win the battle but you lose the war  
  
So much to destroy, so much to blow  
  
So what's wrong with hiding out with Hilde?  
  
You'll never know if you don't go  
  
Other pilots: GO!  
  
Duo: You'll never win if you don't blow  
  
All pilots: Hey now, you're a rebel,  
  
Get the war on, get rayed  
  
Hey now, you're a pilot,  
  
Get the show on, get Treize  
  
Duo: Our lives are cheaper than gold  
  
Only shooting stars break the mold  
  
(Duo wipes the sweat off his forehead and the characters from Mystery Men, who were hanging out outside the garage, applaud them.) 


	2. Gundam Wing's Back

Gundam Wing's Back (Parody of Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by the Backstreet Boys)  
  
Disclaimer: Hey. I still don't own Gundam Wing. And I definitely don't own BSB or any of their lyrics. THAT I am grateful for. I just like making fun of their lyrics. That's why I bother to memorize their catchy, stereotypical, pop-injected songs, dammit!  
  
A/N: THIS is dedicated to Kim Pacete, a good friend of mine who wishes that all pop acts burn in hell.  
  
(Performed live in front of a couple of million Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls...)  
  
Heero: Everybody...rock your Gundam...  
  
Everybody...rock your Gundam right!  
  
Gundam Wing's back, all right!  
  
Wufei: Oh God of Death, we're back again  
  
OZ soldiers, Preventers, everybody stand  
  
We're gonna bring you the violence, gonna show you how  
  
I've got a gotta question  
  
Better answer now...  
  
(Music stops as Quatre stops dancing and doing pelvic thrusts and approaches Wufei. Heero smacks his head, Duo groans loudly into his mic, Trowa bangs his head on the electric guitar while countless Trowa bride wannabes try to go on stage and glomp him. Wufei tries to run away.)  
  
Duo (from other side of the stage): MUST YOU RUIN EVERY SONG WITH YOUR GODDAMNED BAD TIMING?  
  
Heero: IT'S HIS MISSION IN LIFE!  
  
Trowa: FORGET IT, DUO! YOU'LL NEVER KNOCK SENSE INTO THAT ARABIAN!  
  
(Duo punches his open hand repeatedly.)  
  
Wufei: What NOW, WINNER? I hope you're aware that we're trying to do a show here! Or have you lost the last brain cell in your puny little mind?  
  
Quatre: What's your question, Wufei? That's all I want to ask, anyway?  
  
(Wufei slaps his forehead in disgust)  
  
Wufei: Dammit, Quatre, it's a SONG LYRIC! For Chrissake, a A SONG LYRIC! I don't really have a goddamned question!  
  
(Heero signals the band to keep playing, and the Gboys go back to their places)  
  
Duo: Am I incorrigible?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Wufei: Am I the only one?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Trowa: Am I sexual?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: ABSOLUTELY!!!  
  
(Music stops as the Gundam Wing pilots huddle and look at each other)  
  
Wufei: THAT'S NOT HOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO ANSWER!  
  
Quatre: Well, you get what you pay for.  
  
Heero (frantically): WE DIDN'T PAY THEM ANYTHING, YOU MORON! THEY came to watch US perform!  
  
Trowa: WHY ARE ALL OF YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG FUSS? WE'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO PERFORM FOR 2 MORE HOURS AND THEN WE HAVE TO PAY A DOLLAR FOR EVERY SUCCEEDING MINUTE! AND WE HAVE LIKE, A DOZEN SONGS LINED UP! I NEED MY PROZAC! WHERE'S MY DRUGS? I NEED BOOOOOZZZZZZEEEEEEE!!!!!!!1  
  
(Wufei slaps Trowa)  
  
Wufei: Shut up, Barton! You're giving away all our secret vices and addictions!  
  
(Trowa cries and hugs Wufei)  
  
Trowa: Thank you...  
  
(Heero death-glares everyone)  
  
Heero: CAN WE STOP ALL THE HUGGING AND SHIT? PEOPLE CLICKED THIS BUTTON TO READ A SONG PARODY OF A CRUMMY BACKSTREET BOYS SONG! NOT TO READ BARTON BLUBBERING ONSTAGE!!!  
  
(Murmurs. Music continues)  
  
Heero: Am I everything you need?  
  
You better rock your Gundam now!  
  
All pilots: Everybody...rock your Gundam...  
  
Everybody...rock your Gundam right!  
  
Gundam Wing's back, all right!  
  
Quatre: Now throw your self-detonation buttons in the air  
  
And wave 'em around like you just don't care  
  
If you wanna die let me hear you yell!  
  
'Coz we're back on Cartoon Network again!  
  
(A/N: I wish...)  
  
Duo: Am I incorrigible?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Wufei: Am I the only one?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Trowa: Am I sexual?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: ABSOLUTELY!!!  
  
(Trowa groans, but doesn't say anything anymore to avoid another dispute)  
  
Heero: Am I everything you need?  
  
You better rock your Gundam now!  
  
All pilots: Everybody...rock your Gundam...  
  
Everybody...rock your Gundam right!  
  
Gundam Wing's back, all right!  
  
Heero: So eveybody, everywhere  
  
Don't be afraid, better have no fear  
  
Gonna tell the world, make it understand  
  
As long as there'll be Gundams we'll be coming back again...  
  
Duo: Am I incorrigible?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Wufei: Am I the only one?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: YEAH!!!  
  
Trowa: Am I sexual?  
  
Gundam Wing-crazed teenage girls: DEFINITELY!!!  
  
(Trowa rolls his eyes)  
  
Heero: Am I everything you need?  
  
You better rock your Gundam now!  
  
All pilots: Everybody...rock your Gundam...  
  
Everybody...rock your Gundam right!  
  
Gundam Wing's back, all right!  
  
(The pilots flash big smiles and take big bows. And all the Gundam Wing- crazed teenage girls rush up on the stage and glomp them and try to kidnap them)  
  
Duo: RRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. As Long As You're Not Following Me

As Long As You're Not Following Me (Parody of 'As Long As You Love Me' by the Backstreet Boys).  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Damn. And I don't own BSB or any of their songs.WOO-HOO! I just enjoy making fun of their songs and screwing them around.  
  
A/N: I've promised so many friends that I'd write fics for them. THIS one is for Lorraine Fonseca. Uy, salamat sa tour ng UP, ha? Okey lang na naglakad tayo...di naman ako nabinat, e. Kakabwiset lang dahil Olivet ka.  
  
Other stuff: Slight Relena bashing. Everyone's OOC. Relena worshippers beware. I warned you! Please don't flame me...  
  
(The Gundam pilots enter a studio, dressed in really expensive clothes. They sit in 5 chairs, facing Relena, Hilde, Midii, Dorothy, and Sally.)  
  
Heero: Although Wing Zero has always been a friend of mine  
  
I'm leaving the ZERO System in your hands  
  
People say I'm suicidal and that I've lost my mind  
  
Risking my life in a glance  
  
How you keep on following me is still a mystery  
  
I want to get you out of my head  
  
Don't care what is written in your rap sheet or your family's history  
  
As long as you're not here with me.  
  
All pilots: I don't give a damn who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
What you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
Who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
Don't care what you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
Heero: Every little thing that you have said and done  
  
Feels so irritating to me  
  
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run  
  
Can't you comprehend that we weren't meant to be?  
  
All pilots: I don't give a damn who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
What you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
Who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
Don't care what you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
Heero: I've tried to hide from you so that you will never know  
  
But I guess you have GPS*, so you always show  
  
When you look into my gun  
  
What you did and where you're comin' from  
  
I don't give a damn, as long as you're not following me...  
  
All pilots: I don't give a damn who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
What you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
Who you are  
  
Where you're from  
  
Don't care what you did  
  
As long as you're not following me  
  
  
  
*Global Positioning System? 


	4. Just Another Cheerleading Parody

Just Another Cheerleading Parody (Parody of one of the cheers from Bring It On)  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill...still don't own Gundam Wing, still don't own any of the songs I twist around and try to make fun of. In this case, I don't own any of the cheers from Bring It On, and I don't own the movie rights.  
  
A/N: This one...is dedicated to Ryan Stiles, the funniest and cutest guy on Whose Line Is It Anyway?  
  
Other stuff: I'm giving the Gundam girls a chance to stretch their vocal cords. This one has Relena singing...God Almighty, cover your ears! Also, this isn't my best parody. Slight adult humor. You've been warned. Relena lovers...please don't flame me. Flames give me hives.  
  
(The Gundam girls are in skimpy little cheerleader outfits, waving pompoms. The Gundam pilots, on the other hand, are bound and gagged in wooden chairs, squirming and trying to escape.)  
  
Relena: I'm sexy, I'm cute  
  
I'm popular to boot!  
  
I'm BITCHIN! Great hair!  
  
I HOPE HEERO'LL LOVE TO STARE!  
  
Noin: I'M WANTED! I'M HOT!  
  
I'M EVERYTHING LADY UNE'S NOT!  
  
I'M PRETTY! I'M COOL!  
  
I DOMINATE THE WORLD  
  
Lady Une (through clenched teeth): Heads. Are. Going. To. Roll.  
  
Hilde: WHO AM I! BAKA! JUST GUESS!  
  
GUYS WHO ARE NAMED DUO MAXWELL JUST WANNA TOUCH MY CHEST!  
  
I'M…ROCKIN'! I SMILE!  
  
I'M ANYTHING BUT MILD!  
  
Duo: Mmmpphmmmildddddeeee!!!!  
  
Cathy: I'M FLYING! I JUMP!  
  
YOU CAN LOOK AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE MAGUANACS YOU CAN HUMP!  
  
(Trowa has managed to get his gag off.)  
  
Trowa: WHAT?!? Cathy?!?  
  
All Gundam girls: WOOOOO!!!  
  
Relena: I'M MAJOR! I ROAR!  
  
I SWEAR I'M NOT A WHORE (BUT I ALMOST WAS)!  
  
I NAG AND I LEAD!  
  
I ACT LIKE I'M ON WEED!  
  
YOU HATE ME CAUSE HEERO'S MINE WELL I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER!!!  
  
I'M RELENA DORLIAN PEACECRAFT YUY!  
  
I AM RELENA DORLIAN PEACECRAFT YUY!!!  
  
Hilde, Dorothy, Catherine, Sally, Noin, and Lady Une: UH-HUH!!!  
  
(Quatre tries to nudge Heero, and he succeeds in doing so. Heero's face can't be any redder. It looks like a huge blister.)  
  
Cathy: I'M BIG RED, C-C-CATHERINE!"  
  
Sally: S-S-S-SALLY!  
  
Hilde: DUDE, IT'S HILDE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lady Une: I'M BIG BAD BITCH, THEY CALL ME UNE!!!!!!!  
  
Cathy: I'M STILL CATHERINE!  
  
Dorothy: I SIZZLE, I SCORCH!!!!!!!  
  
AND HOPEFULLY I WILL NEVER PASS THE TORCH!  
  
THE BALLOTS ARE IN, AND ONE GIRL SADLY HAD TO WIN  
  
SHE'S ANNOYING, SHE'S DUMB! AND DAMN!  
  
SHE'S STILL NUMBER ONE!  
  
Hilde, Dorothy, Catherine, Sally, Noin, and Lady Une: HEERO DAMN YOU,  
  
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL HER WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE?  
  
K-K-K-KICK IT, RELENA!!!!!!! R-R-R-RELENA!!!!  
  
Relena: I'M STRONG AND I'M LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD!  
  
I'M R-R-RELENA! YOUR VICE FOREIGN MINISTER RELENAAAAA!!!!!!!  
  
(All the pilots have their gags off)  
  
Trowa: Well, that opened up a lot of things.  
  
Wufei: For example?  
  
Trowa: I never knew that my sister digged Maguanacs...  
  
Duo: Heero, crap, dude, Relena wants to do it with you!  
  
(Relena saucily approaches Heero)  
  
(Heero: Sweatdrop, gulp.)  
  
Heero (whispering): Untie me!  
  
Duo: No way!  
  
(Cathy comes to his rescue by slicing his bonds with a jeweled knife. Heero bolts out of the chair, out of the warehouse, and runs all the way to the airport to buy a plane ticket to the farthest, most remote regions of the Earth.)  
  
Heero: THANKS CATHY! I OWE YOU ONE!  
  
Cathy: Get me a Maguanac and we'll call it even!  
  
Heero: GREAT!!!!  
  
A/N: Last I heard from Heero, he changed his name to Thelonius Mahahapeemasetilon and is now working as a missionary in Zimbabwe.  
  
And as for Relena? She followed Heero around the world until she ran out of money and worked at Coyote Ugly.  
  
A/A/N: I've gotten some reviews...asking what I have against pop music, Relena, and stuff like that. I just want to make some things clear. I don't have anything against anyone. Sure, I dont like pop stars themselves, but their stereotypical brand of music is just fine with me. And I'm just writing these things to make people like me laugh...that's it. Pretty much. 


	5. One Weak- A Tribute To Heero Yuy

One Weak: A Tribute To Heero Yuy (Parody of 'One Week' by Barenaked Ladies)  
  
Disclaimer: Gee. I STILL don't own Gundam Wing, and I don't own Barenaked Ladies or any of their fabulous songs. I regret both.  
  
A/N: Everyone sings. Period. Okay, except Heero. Since it's a tribute to our Suicidal Perfect Soldier.  
  
  
  
Relena: It's been one week since you Death Glared me  
  
Cocked your gun, held it to one side  
  
And said you're gonna kill me  
  
Five days since you smirked at me  
  
Saying 'You're still there? Can't you stalk someone else? Gee!  
  
Three days since the living room (wink wink)  
  
I realized it's all your fault, still tried to tell you  
  
Yesterday, you'd have murdered me  
  
And it'll still be a few days 'til you get bullets  
  
For your artillery...  
  
  
  
(Heero, who is bound and gagged in a chair, groans and rolls his eyes.)  
  
Heero: Oh GOD! Can I go kill myself now?  
  
(Trowa pokes him with a pistol.)  
  
Trowa: Later.  
  
Heero: Damn.  
  
  
  
Duo: Hold it now and watch Wing Zero wink  
  
As I make you stop, think,  
  
You'll think you're looking like Duo man!  
  
I summon dolls to the dish  
  
So I can bash, slash, and swish  
  
My scythe around  
  
I like killing people and I dice 'em on the rebound  
  
Hot like jalapenos when I try to bust rhymes  
  
Big like lemons and limes  
  
Because I'm all about family values  
  
Wufei (from offset): Yeah right!  
  
Duo (unperturbed): Treize Khushrenada's going mad kids!  
  
Ya try to match wits  
  
You try to kill me but I bust through  
  
Trowa: Gonna make a break and take a fake  
  
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake  
  
I love Deathscythe more than Heavyarms, coz it's the finest of the Gundams  
  
Gotta watch the show, petition at Toonami to get it back and go  
  
Coz you know the vertigo is gonna grow  
  
Coz it's so dangerous  
  
You'll have to sign a waiver  
  
How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're suicidal  
  
Trying hard just to smile cause I'm unemotional  
  
Wufei: I'm the kind of guy who worships at a funeral  
  
Can't understand what I mean?  
  
I don't expect you will  
  
I have a tendency to tie my ponytail too tight  
  
You have a history of not changing your shirt  
  
Heero (angrily, offset): I CHANGE MY SHIRTS!  
  
Wufei: Yeah, SUUURRREEE...  
  
Quatre: It's been one year since you looked at me  
  
Threw your hands to Wing Zero's controls  
  
And said 'You're crazy.'  
  
One year since you grappled me  
  
I've still got scars all over my body  
  
It's been a few months since that afternoon  
  
You realized it's the ZERO System's fault  
  
Not a moment too soon  
  
A year ago, you'd have forgiven me  
  
If I hadn't nearly killed Trowa and you  
  
And say I'm sorry  
  
Zechs: Chickity China the Chinese chicken (A/N: I swear, these are the real lyrics!)  
  
Wufei (offset): I feel insulted! So insulted! Don't you, Sally?  
  
Sally: No.  
  
Wufei: Oh. Okay. I don't either.  
  
Zechs: Have a drumstick and your brains stops tickin'  
  
Watchin' Wufei with no lights on  
  
  
  
Wufei: Is this whole song parody meant to annoy and insult whatever's left of my dignity?  
  
Mandelarae (appearing out of nowhere and checking her clipboard): Um, technically... yes.  
  
Wufei (jumping on authoress): I'm gonna kill you!!!!  
  
Mandelarae: AAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
(Authoress disappears)  
  
  
  
Zechs: We're dans la maison (A/N: Um, what does that mean? Dans la maison? My French isn't that good.)  
  
I hope that Epyon's in this one  
  
Like Zechs on Libra I'm getting frantic-HEY! I wsn't frantic!  
  
Dorothy (the director of the entire shenanigan): SHUT UP! YOU WERE! I was with you every step of the way! Continue, dammit!  
  
Zechs: Like a scorpion sting I'm tantric,  
  
Like Gundam Wing guaranteed to satisfy  
  
Like Charlie Chaplin I make silent films  
  
Okay I don't make films  
  
But if they did they'd have a Samurai  
  
Trowa: Gotta get a set of better guns  
  
Gotta find the ones with lotsa runs  
  
Coz I'm the one who's always running out of ammo  
  
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon  
  
Coz that anime has got the  
  
Woo! anime babes that make me think the wrong thing  
  
Cathy: God, little brother! You're so...vulgar!  
  
(Trowa grins wickedly)  
  
Dorothy: How can I help it if I think you're hilarious when you're mad  
  
Trying hard not to smile but I don't feel bad  
  
I'm the kind of gal who laughs when a war goes on  
  
Can't understand what I mean?  
  
Well I doubt you ever will  
  
I have a tendency of combing my double eyebrows  
  
You have a history of not changing your shorts  
  
Heero: Is this entire song parody meant to poke fun at my damn everyday outfit!  
  
Dorothy: Shaddup. And yes, it is.  
  
(Lights go off)  
  
Hilde (who is presently guarding Heero): What the f?  
  
Dorothy: Special guest star, SYLVIA NOVENTA! She flew all the way from Marseilles just to attack your gundanium conscience! Take the mic, Sylvia!  
  
(Heero sweatdrops and gulps as the chestnut-haired girl goes on stage, flashes an evil grin at the ex-assassin, and sings.)  
  
Sylvia: It's been a few years since you looked at me  
  
Held out a gun to me and said you're sorry  
  
A ton of months since I got mad at you and said that  
  
You just did what I thought you were never ever going to do  
  
A few years since the cemetery  
  
I realized that you're the murderer, but what could we do?  
  
A few years ago, you just shrugged at me  
  
And said that life is cheap, specially mine, so just shoot me  
  
Coz it'll still be a million years before I forgive you...  
  
(Dorothy signals to Hilde to remove the gag from Heero's mouth.)  
  
Dorothy: Like your surprise?  
  
Heero: As much as I'd appreciate a hernia. Please never surprise me again. After that...display of affection and utter humiliation , I am traumatized and feel the insatiable urge to kill you all.  
  
(Now, everyone sweatdrops and looks at each other uncertainly.)  
  
Heero: Now, omae o korosu...  
  
Duo: WHA? How did you escape?  
  
Heero: It's a fanfic. I can do whatever I want.  
  
Wufei: Duh.  
  
(Heero cocks his gun and aims it at Wufei.)  
  
Heero: Hasta la vista, Wuffie.  
  
Wufei: KISAMA!!!!!  
  
(Heero goes ZERO, shoots everyone and kills himself in the process. And they all end up in the hospital. And they all lived happily ever after. The End...or is it?) 


	6. I Hate You

I Hate You (Parody of 'I Want You' by Savage Garden)  
  
Disclaimer: (To the tune of 'I Love You, You Love Me...' by Barney)  
  
I don't own  
  
Gundam Wing  
  
So big companies don't sue me please  
  
I don't own Savage Garden  
  
Or their wonderfully-written songs  
  
Won't you please review my work?  
  
A/N: I like "Rebel' best. I think most people liked that better, too. But this...isn't so bad. I guess this takes second place. Or something like that.  
  
Ooh... Someone asked me to do a Savage Garden parody. Ami, I think? Here ya go.  
  
Other stuff: Relena bashing. Hmm. Why do all my parodies seem to have those two ubiquitous words? Anyway, as always, you've been warned. So no flaming, please. Flames make my skin break out in huge, red blisters.  
  
(A few months after Zechs checks himself out of rehab, he consents to direct another video for our Gundam pilots. From this point, he's the director, Noin's the assistant, and Nichol is still the cameraman.)  
  
Zechs: Lucrezia, get the hospital. Tell them to have an ambulance standing outside the studio in case I suffer a heart attack or a seizure. Get me a few tons of Prozac, a few kilos of the finest pot, a couple cartons of smokes, and a few kegs of beer. Can you do all that?  
  
Noin: Yeah, duh. That's what you don't pay me for.  
  
Zechs: And while you're at it, make your name shorter. Why the hell did your parents name you Lucrezia?  
  
Can't they have followed the whole number scheme? Couldn't they have named you Uno, Dos, or Tres?  
  
Something less outrageous than Lucrezia?  
  
Noin: ::sigh:: I guess I'm directing this sorry video. SECURITY!  
  
(A few burly guards rush in and evacuate Zechs. Okay, they locked him in the ladies' room.)  
  
Noin: Stop fooling around with the fucking vending machine and start warbling, ya loonies!  
  
(Gundam pilots automatically stop jiggling, punching, kicking, and headbutting the softdrink vending machine and rush over to Noin.)  
  
Wufei: Darn. No free drinks.  
  
Noin: I'll show you babies how to jiggle the damn thing properly later. Now croon, ya washed-up middle-aged saps!  
  
Quatre (protesting): Miss Noin, I'm only 17!  
  
Noin: And I'm 21. Shut up. Who's the lead singer for this one?  
  
Heero (sullenly): Me. Again. The authoress seems to be quite partial to me.  
  
Mandelarae (from out of nowhere): I DO NOT! I LIKE QUATRE BEST BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE EDWARD NORTON!!!!!!!!  
  
(Quatre blushes)  
  
Mandelarae (shrugging): Well, he does.  
  
Heero: Damn.  
  
Noin: Sing.  
  
(She signals to Nichol to roll tape. Heero positions himself in a metal contraption that projects his face on a huge screen)  
  
Heero: Anytime I need to see your face  
  
I just close my eyes  
  
And I am taken to a place where  
  
I am blind and  
  
Suicidal feelings take up shelter  
  
In the base of my spine  
  
Bittersweet like Quatre's Earl Grey Tea  
  
I don't want to try and explain  
  
I just fasten my seatbelt tight  
  
And if it you chase me I might move  
  
So quickly  
  
To the deepest, darkest most remote corners  
  
Of the world  
  
I need to, I want to  
  
Get away from you  
  
Go stand in that corner  
  
Breathe in the carbon monoxide, get a bit higher  
  
You'll never know what hit you  
  
When I get someone to kill you  
  
All pilots: Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Heero: I'm the kind of person who says screw a deep commitment  
  
Getting comfy, getting perfect,  
  
A life without you is what I'm living for  
  
You come in the door  
  
I'm on the floor  
  
I pray to God that you don't see me crawling out the fire escape  
  
Eluding you has a time and place  
  
In the interaction of a soldier and a lunatic  
  
But the time of talking  
  
Using symbols, using middle fingers,  
  
Can be likened to a mobile suit pilot  
  
With all his shields down  
  
Go stand in that corner  
  
Breathe in the carbon monoxide, get a bit higher.  
  
You'll never know what hit you  
  
When I get someone to kill you  
  
All pilots: Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Heero: Anytime I need to see your face  
  
I just close my eyes  
  
And I am taken to a place where  
  
I am blind and  
  
Suicidal feelings take up shelter  
  
In the base of my spine  
  
Bittersweet like Quatre's Earl Grey Tea  
  
I don't want to try and explain  
  
I just fasten my seatbelt tight  
  
And if it you chase me I might move  
  
So quickly  
  
To the deepest, darkest most remote corners  
  
Of the world  
  
I need to, I want to  
  
Get away from you  
  
All pilots: Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Ooh, I hate you  
  
I know that I don't need you  
  
But ooh, I wouldn't die to find out  
  
Get the hell away from me, don't wanna find out...  
  
(Noin signals to Nichol to cut, and the video's over.)  
  
Noin (to pilots): I don't know what Zechs finds hard in directing a video! You guys were SO well behaved!  
  
(All pilots cross their fingers behind their backs and nod energetically.) 


	7. Will The Real Trowa Barton Please Speak ...

Will The Real Trowa Barton Please Speak Up? (Parody of 'The Real Slim Shady' by Eminem)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Never have. Never will. And I don't own any of Eminem's songs. I also don't own any of the trademarked things here.  
  
A/N: Hmm. I kinda like the on-the-side stuff. I know you just wanted to read the parody, but I disn't know if it was good enough, so I added something thought was funny at the beginning.  
  
Other stuff: Trowa is the lead singer, because I think that he's had too few singing opportunities. It's his time to shine, ne?  
  
Noin: Here we are... The Dorlian-Peacecraft-Une Center For Stalkers, Schizos, and the Clinically Insane. Everybody out.  
  
(Everyone files out of the Porsche.)  
  
Wufei: But Miss Noin! I'm scared!  
  
Duo (snorting): YOU? God's threat to women? SCARED? Those two words don't seem to fit into the same sentence, Chang.  
  
Noin (groans): Oh, Sally warned me about his chronic fear of mental hospitals, because when he was touched by a mental patient when he was a kid. So she injected him with a few milligrams of liquid Prozac. That's just the medication pouring into his blood stream.  
  
Heero (sweatdrops): Anything ELSE we should worry about?  
  
Noin (thinking hard): Uh, Sally also said that if he spaces out, utters absolute gibberish, or threatens to cut off Duo's braid, then I should give you all a nice funeral.  
  
(Quatre wrings his hands uneasily.)  
  
Quatre: But I'm too handsome to die!  
  
Duo (agreeing): Yeah! Me too!  
  
Quatre and Duo: We're...too handsome for ourselves...too handsome for ourselves...too handsome for me...  
  
(They pose a la Will Smith-Tommy Lee Jones. Trowa, Wufei, and Heero look at each other.)  
  
Trowa, Wufei, and Heero: HUH?  
  
Duo: Of course you wouldn't appreciate the song. And why is that, Quatre?  
  
(Duo and Quatre launch into song once more)  
  
Duo and Quatre: Because you're...too ugly for yourselves...too ugly for yourselves...too ugly compared to we...  
  
Trowa: That didn't make any sense whatsoever.  
  
Duo: I know. But when you're as good-looking as us...  
  
Heero: STOP IT! DON'T SING ANYMORE! DON'T SING ANYMORE!!!  
  
(30 minutes later, Noin gets fed up with all the bickering between the five pilots, buys dog leashes and drags them by their scruffy necks inside the mental institution.)  
  
Wufei: NO! NO! I'm too young to die!  
  
(Heero cattle prods him ((A/N: Why do all of my humor fics involve cattle prods?)) to shut up.)  
  
Heero (hissing): Don't get Blonde Test Tube Boy and Peacock Man going at that butt-awful song again! Make the insanity stop!  
  
(Noin throws them into a room filled with mental patients that look like our beloved Trowa. She looks through the glass panel.)  
  
Noin: SING!  
  
Quatre (raises his hand): Miss Noin?  
  
Noin: What NOW, Quatre?  
  
Quatre: I'm scared...  
  
Noin: Just drink the medicine and act stupid!  
  
Random Mental Patient (to Quatre): The pink ones keep you from screaming.  
  
Quatre: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
  
(The Random Mental Patient stuffs tons of pink pills into his mouth.)  
  
Quatre: I feel...amazingly perky and in tune with my inner self...  
  
Authoress (from offset): Stop the damn silliness and get on with the song! People want to read the parody! Start the parody!  
  
Heero (protesting): But you're the baka writing everything!  
  
Authoress (thinks hard): Oh. Yeah. Oops. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Moulin Rouge!  
  
(Red curtain goes up, revealing the Gundam pilots decked out in whore clothing with whore makeup.)  
  
(A/N: You have permission to scream out loud now. I am. The mere thought of it is giving me nightmares.)  
  
Trowa: Damn it, Mandy! You know I didn't shave my armpits yet!  
  
Quatre: Am I meant to be Christina Aguilera?  
  
Duo: I'm Lil Kim, right? Or am I Mya?  
  
Wufei: Am I Pink?  
  
Heero: I WASN'T PUT ON EARTH TO BE A GIRL!!!  
  
Noin (to me): Wait 'til Relena gets a load of this...  
  
Me: Oh, she will...because I'm taping it!  
  
(After 10 minutes, I finally get tired of hearing the boys quarrel about who's who, stop filming, and finally write the damn parody. So there.)  
  
(Noin signals to Duo to start the announcement.)  
  
Duo: May I have your attention please?  
  
May I have your attention please?  
  
Will the real Trowa Barton please speak up?  
  
I repeat, will the real Trowa Barton please speak up?  
  
We're gonna have a problem here..  
  
Trowa: Y'all act like you never seen a quiet pilot before  
  
Hands in the air, like Treize, like Wufei just burst in the door  
  
And started beatin' up each others' Gundams worse than before  
  
They first tried to erase each other's present futures (Ahh!)  
  
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding, Trowa didn't just say something, did he?"  
  
And Dr. J said... nothing you idiots!  
  
Dr. J's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)  
  
Trowa: Pro-yaoi teen girls love Trowa Barton  
  
{*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*}  
  
Wufei: "Duo Maxwell, I'm sick of him Look at him, walkin around, swinging his insanely long braid, pointing guns at You Know Who..."  
  
Duo: "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"  
  
Heero: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Trowa: Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose  
  
But no worse, than what's goin on in your parents' bedrooms  
  
Quatre: Yeah! My dad keeps on making sisters! With test tubes!  
  
Wufei: Shaddup.  
  
Quatre: Okay.  
  
Sometimes, I just wanna go and talk nonstop, but can't  
  
But it's cool for Duo to steal Quatre's Herbal Essence  
  
Quatre (offset): You WHAT?  
  
Duo: TROWA! I told you not to tell!!! I want my bribe back!  
  
Trowa: Come on you little kids, come on you little kids  
  
Petition to get us back CN and I'll give you a little kiss  
  
And that's the message that we deliver to little squids  
  
And expect them not to know what Duo's hair really is  
  
Of course they gonna know how Gundams are made  
  
By the time they hit fourth grade  
  
They got the Discovery Channel don't they?  
  
Trowa: We ain't nothing but killers,  
  
Well, some of us pacifists who preach to people about something called peace  
  
Wufei: YEAH RIGHT!  
  
Trowa: But if we can kill people and tell kids to idolize us  
  
Then there's no reason that Wufei can't be a girly wuss  
  
Quatre: EWWW!!!  
  
Trowa: But if you feel like I feel, I got the voicebox, whoa,  
  
Cathy please don't wave your pantyhose,  
  
But sing the chorus and it goes  
  
Trowa: I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
Trowa: Akazukin Chacha don't cuss to make people watch their show and sell their merchandise  
  
Well we do, so forget her, and forget you too!  
  
You think I give a damn about a Razzie?  
  
Half of you critics don't even know me, let alone watch me  
  
"But Nanashi, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"  
  
Why? So you guys could just glomp me here?  
  
So you can, sit me here next to Misty?  
  
Damn, Ruriko better switch me chairs so I can sit next to Shun Ukiya or Syaoran Li  
  
(A/N: I KNOW it's Li Syaoran, but I needed something that rhymed.)  
  
Trowa: And hear 'em argue whether Britney's ever gonna bag a Grammy (A/N: Did she?)  
  
Please don't put this song on MTV  
  
I'm not cute, I'm not married to Dorothy, hee hee!  
  
I should really thank the guy whom I took my name from  
  
But he's dead, so what can I do? Gee!  
  
Wufei (offset): AAAHHH!!!  
  
Trowa: I'm sick of all you little girl and boy groups  
  
All you do is annoy me  
  
I believe my mission is technically to destroy you  
  
And I can clone a million of me who have weird bangy hair like me,  
  
Who love turtlenecks and pants as much as me  
  
Who use as much styling gel as me  
  
Who don't speak like me  
  
They might just be the next best thing, but they ain't me!  
  
Trowa: I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
Trowa: You can't listen to me  
  
Coz I hardly ever talk 'bout anything, damn and gee!  
  
I'm only giving you things you joke about with your friends when you're drunk or dead  
  
The only difference is that I'm tall,  
  
I don't have to be false of full of gall at all  
  
I just keep it all in and spit it  
  
In a cuspidor  
  
Whether you like ta admit it  
  
I just don't talk better than all you other mimes can  
  
Then you wonder how teenage girls dig our natural drawn good looks like Valiums  
  
Duo: It's because we're devilishly good-looking and we whip the llama's ass!  
  
Quatre: Llamas? We whip llamas? No! I love llamas so very much!  
  
Wufei (groans): No, Quatre, it's just soemthing people say to describe a skin on Winamp.  
  
Quatre: Skin? Winamp? People?  
  
Heero: We have got to teach this kid about the Internet.  
  
Wufei (sighing): Aaahhh...the wonders of online pornography...  
  
Duo: WHAT?!?  
  
Wufei: Wonders of online...porosity! Porosity!  
  
(Duo, Trowa, and Heero roll their eyes.)  
  
Quatre: What?  
  
Trowa: It's ironic, coz at the rate I'm going when I'm 20,  
  
I'll be the only person in this damn asylum hurling  
  
Britney's albums with my lighter, burnin'  
  
And I'm grinning but all this marijuana still isn't workin'  
  
And every single teen girl is a Trowa Barton stalkin'  
  
He could be workin' at Burger King,  
  
Speakin' to your onion rings  
  
(Quatre makes an offstage hacking noise.)  
  
Noin (to me): He makes a good hacker.  
  
(I nod. But that's just the liquid Prozac I had Sally inject me with.)  
  
(Quatre's still hacking.)  
  
Duo: What's wrong with Papa's-Boy-Winner?  
  
Quatre: Got...something...in...my...throat...hack hack hack  
  
(Heero hugs Quatre)  
  
Quatre: Hack...ew, Wufei! I'm NOT gay!!! Getoffameeeee!!!  
  
(Wufei pokes both sides of Quatre's neck and a chewed-up wad of paper hits the glass panel of the room. Heero picks it up with a pair of tongs. He's also wearing sterilized yellow gloves.)  
  
Heero: The lyrics to 'I Love Rock and Roll?' Why?  
  
(Backs away from Quatre slowly.)  
  
Quatre: It's not what you think! I didn't download that!  
  
Duo (crossing his arms): Yeah? Then who did?  
  
Quatre: HER! HER! (Pointing to me) Mandy did it! Mandy did it! She told me she finished her Britney Spears parody and she wanted me to get rid of the lyrics to the song! I didn't do it!! I swear!!!  
  
(Pilots turn to me for confirmation. I mischievously shake my head and repeatedly point to Quatre, mouthing, 'He did it, he did it.')  
  
Noin: You are SO bad!  
  
Me: Yeah, I know! That's why I put it to good use by writing fanfics.  
  
Noin: Writing the what now?  
  
Me: Never mind.  
  
Wufei: You scare me, Winner.  
  
Duo: Speak for yourself! I caught you taping the Teletubbies and Dora The Explorer last night!  
  
Wufei: WHAT THE!  
  
Noin and Me: JUST FINISH THE G-D SONG!!!  
  
Trowa: Or in the parking lost,  
  
Circling, screaming, 'Wufei is gay'  
  
Wufei: Why do you want to insult whatever's left of my pride and dignity? You already did that in One Weak-A Tribute To Heero Yuy!  
  
(A/N: I also used the same line in 'One Weak.' Dunno why I put it in here.)  
  
Noin: Yes, and you better shut up before I tranq you!  
  
Trowa: With his car windows down and his scythe up  
  
So, will the real Trowa Barton please speak up?  
  
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?  
  
And be proud to be outta your mind, outta tongue, and outta control  
  
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?  
  
Trowa: I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
Trowa: I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
I'm not Trowa Barton  
  
Yes I'm not the real Trowa  
  
All you other Trowa Bartons are just dead or imitating  
  
So won't the real Trowa Barton please speak up, please speak up, please speak up?  
  
Trowa: Ha ha, guess there's a Trowa Barton in all of us  
  
Dammit, just stand up and let me shut up.  
  
(Duo, Wufei, Quatre, Heero, and rowa line up with all the other loonies. What's noticeable in this picture is that Duo, Wufei, Quatre, and Heero are wearing wigs with Trowa's hairstyle. And everyone is in hospital gowns.)  
  
Random Insane Guy Who Looks Like Howie From The Backstreet Boys: The yellow ones keep ya from making more song parodies.  
  
Gundam pilots: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(They run out of the asylum.)  
  
Random, Insane People Who Resemble Celebrities: Freedom! Freedom! Sweet, Horrible Freedom!!!  
  
(They also run out of the asylum.)  
  
Noin (to some nurse woman): Aren't you going to do anything about the wackos escaping?  
  
Some Nurse Woman: Nah... We're pretty thankful that that's the last of the bedpans we'll have to clean. For a long while, anyway.  
  
Some Nurse Man: Hey, some washed-up celebrities are checking themselves in again in a few hours.  
  
Same Nurse Woman: No way! Let's make out in the supply room.  
  
Some Nurse Man: Okay.  
  
Me (to Noin): What did that have to do with my parody?  
  
Noin: I don't know... are we alone?  
  
Me (getting a far, spaced-out look in my eyes): No...We are not alone...the truth is out there...  
  
(Eerie X-Files music fades out, and Noin and I run for our lives, ready to torture the Gundam pilots once more.)  
  
A/N: Uh...weird. I was kinda typing this while watching The Simpsons, so it got kinda weird at the end. But I like it anyway. 


	8. I Love Stalkin' Heero Yuy: A Song For St...

I Love Stalkin' Heero Yuy: A Song For Stalkers and Psychopaths (Parody of 'I Love Rock and Roll' by Britney Spears)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Rats. Don't own any of Britney's songs. YES! Nor do I own The La's song 'There She Goes.' And I don't own Gregorian or any of their weird chants. They're just my guests. I just like twisting seemingly fluffy pop-infused songs around and transfiguring them into sardonic, slightly dark, parodies I'm happy to call my own.  
  
A/N: Hmmm... Relena bashes herself. Is that correct?  
  
(Zechs signals to the mental hospital aides to free his sister from her straight jacket. They do so, and Relena is released onstage. ((A/N: Did anyone see that coming? Relena a mental patient?)) A set of thick metal bars falls from the ceiling, separating Relena, who is clinically insane, from the other, relatively sane people. Namely, everybody else.)  
  
(Relena adjusts to her surroundings like a captive animal released into the wilds. She blinks at the white lights, and a Britney-esque costume is dropped from the ceiling.)  
  
Dorothy: Miss Relena, you're supposed to put it on.  
  
Relena: 'Kay.  
  
(She puts the clothing on top of her mental patient robe, and taps the mic.)  
  
Relena: Hey!? Is this thing on?  
  
(Vibrations echo throughout the un-soundproofed room, and everybody winces and cover their ears.)  
  
Zechs: For God's sake, Relena! Yes! It's on!  
  
(Noin quickly hands him the oxygen mask and Zechs gulps down some air before watching his sister perform)  
  
Heero: May I point out that that's really part of the video?  
  
Noin (sharply): No.  
  
I saw him sulking there next to my seat  
  
I knew he must have been about, what? Fifteen?  
  
The teacher was droning on  
  
The radio station in my head was playing my favorite song  
  
  
  
Heero (very, very, very, very outraged): WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU RETARD? I WASN'T SULKING! I WAS VERY MUCH DEEP IN THOUGHT!!!  
  
Wufei: What were you thinking about?  
  
Heero: Oh, uh...(lowers his voice and slumps his shoulders) I was thinking of ways...to assassinate Relena. A LOT of ways.  
  
Trowa: SUBTLE ways, I bet.  
  
Heero: What was that?  
  
Trowa: Nothing... (coughing) S-hucker  
  
Heero: AND I DO LOOK FIFTEEN!!!  
  
Duo: You're 17.  
  
Heero: Oh, fuck off, you wanker!  
  
Duo: Wanker? Since when do we insult each other in English?  
  
Heero: We ALWAYS insult each other in English, dumbass.  
  
Duo: You KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Scab, little twat, knobhead, wanker, the list goes on! Don't curse in British!  
  
Heero: Why not?  
  
Duo: Why?  
  
Zechs and Noin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!  
  
  
  
And I could tell it wouldn't be long  
  
until I was stalking him  
  
YEAH, HIM  
  
And I could tell it wouldn't be long  
  
until he'd be running away from me  
  
YEAH from me,  
  
Singin'  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me  
  
Ow!  
  
  
  
(In the soundproofed room:)  
  
Duo: This is SO boring!  
  
Heero: Wanna play...Go Fish?  
  
(Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei shrug.)  
  
Wufei: I know that this is totally OOC for me, people, but I have this uncanny idea.  
  
Duo: I'm interested! What is it?  
  
Wufei: I'm going to kill two bird with one stone. I'm going to give Zechs one helluva heart attack, AND I'm going to totally spice up Relena's video debut.  
  
Quatre (sighing): Her video debut has to be an awful one. (In a perfect Piglet immitation from Winnie the Pooh) Oh d-d-dear-dear  
  
(Duo starts taking off his clothes)  
  
Trowa: Now what the fuck are you doing?!?  
  
(Quatre hides in Heero's shoulder.)  
  
Quatre: I don't want no family jewels! I don't want no family jewels! I'm too young! I'm too innocent! I don't want to see no family jewels!!!  
  
Duo (groaning): RELAX! I struck a deal with the authoress. She's one hot chick (A/N: OH GOD! HOW DID THAT GET THROUGH?!?)... She gave me five censor bars, one for each of us! SO come on! Do the Full MONTY! Get with this! STrip TEASE!!!  
  
(Convinced, the other four pilots start stripping and gluing the censor bars to the appropriate part of their bodies.)  
  
  
  
He groaned as I got up and asked for his name  
  
Bug off, he said, coz lady, you're lame  
  
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"  
  
And next he was running away from me  
  
And he was running away from me, yeah, me  
  
And I was still stalkin' him  
  
Still singin' the same 'ol song  
  
Noin: What the fuck are the five of you doing?  
  
Heero: Spicing up the crummy, dead-end video. Let's go, men!  
  
(Zechs and Noin watch as the Gundam pilots dance behind Relena, doing 'The Hustle' and the stuff John Travolta did in Saturday Night Fever. Personally, I didn't watch the movie, so just imagine Quatre doing the pointy thing and the hip shaking and the pelvic thrusts and the whole hoyven mayven.)  
  
Heero: The chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!  
  
Duo: My name is Duo MAXWELL! And I love tight panties!!!  
  
Quatre: KISS ME, I'M IRISH!!!  
  
Trowa: Look at ma censor bar! Look at ma censor bar!  
  
Wufei: I am woman! Hear me roar!  
  
Noin: Well, THAT was so unexpected.  
  
Zechs: I know.  
  
Wufei: HEY!!! You were supposed to have a heart attack! That's why we're acting stupid, and doing the whole John Travolta thing!  
  
Zechs: Well, this whole escapade is just making me laugh... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  
  
(Faints and the pulse meter goes flat. Noin snaps the wires from the mixing board, and uses them to revive him.)  
  
Noin: CLEAR!  
  
ZAP!  
  
Zechs: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Relena: Yeah from me  
  
Singing:  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me  
  
Heero: I don't kill insane people!  
  
Wufei: YEAH!! THAT'S WEAK!!!!  
  
Ow!  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
'Coz it suits my soul  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
Yeah....  
  
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"  
  
And next he was running away from me  
  
And he was running away from me, yeah, me  
  
And I was still stalkin' him  
  
Still singin' the same 'ol song  
  
(Wufei and Trowa jump in front of the camera, doing ballet, pas-de-bourre- ing, pirouetting, jumping in the air and twirling.)  
  
Trowa: Catch me, Wufei!  
  
(Trowa leaps off the cameraman's head and Wufei holds out his hands. Trowa leaps, mid-air, and he falls straight to the ground.)  
  
Relena: Yeah, from me  
  
Singing:  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
  
  
Heero: I protest all the lyrics! She's insane! Insane, I tellsya!  
  
Zechs: That's why I put her into the nuthouse as soon as we finished taping Endless Waltz! Maybe I should put you in there, too...  
  
Heero: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! Anything but that! I'll be good! I'll throw away all my guns! I'll actually change my Spandex shorts and my green tank top! I'll wear purple! Yellow! Burnt sienna! I'll PUT ON MY PANTSSSSS!!!!!  
  
Noin: Oh God, the last one would be terrific. I'm getting tired of seeing your...thing...  
  
Heero: I'm getting cold, anyway...  
  
(Puts on his pants and goes back into the soundproof room.)  
  
  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs (Kill my brother Zechs)  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Try to kill me)  
  
(Trowa kissed the camera. Now it looks like it's raining on the set. The camera's being Frenched by Mr. Silent)  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
(oh....)  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
(oh....)  
  
(How are the Gundam pilots doing in the buff? Welllll....they turned bluer than Marge Simpson's incredibly tall long hair, caught pneumonia, and had to be revived by five tanning lamps a few live wires.)  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy so come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs  
  
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy  
  
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me!  
  
@_@  
  
Zechs: That's it!  
  
(Makes a cutting motion at the recording guy, who nods and stops recording.)  
  
Zechs: Great! That's a wrap! And I only needed oxygen once, and we didn't even need to use the ambulance!  
  
Trowa (sarcastically): Your sister may be a wacko, but she's one hell of a performing wacko.  
  
Zechs: Yeah. She doesn't give me constant heart attacks by purposely goofing up so, so many times.  
  
(Gundam pilots blush profusely.)  
  
Zechs: Okay, boys! Haul her back to the nuthouse!  
  
(The mental hospital aides pick up Relena, knot her into her straight jacket, and dump a screaming former Queen of the World into the back of the bulletproof van.)  
  
Quatre (in a singsong voice, as he watches the loony van pull out of the studio driveway): There she goes...  
  
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...  
  
Wufei (in a singsong voice): There she goes again...  
  
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...  
  
Heero (in rhythm with the other two): Chasing my ass down every lane  
  
Duo: And I just can't contain...  
  
Trowa: This feeling that remains...  
  
A/N: I'm sorry if any of you are offended by any of my parodies. I also welcome suggestions for more parodies! 


	9. Woman! I Feel Like A Man-HEY! WHO SCREWE...

Woman! I Feel Like A Man-HEY! WHO SCREWED THIS UP? (Parody of 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman!' by Shania Twain)  
  
Disclaimer: ::Dramatic sigh:: No, I still don't own Gundam Wing. Although I manage a Gundam Wing website, I don't own anything else. And I don't own any of Shania Twain's songs. However, I DO own this version of said song.  
  
A/N: THIS is ::sigh:: dedicated to the person who introduced me to fanfics, and urged me to write fics, and read and criticized said fics, Sabrina Ragudo.  
  
Other stuff: This really isn't my best parody. Kind of a five-minute type thing. Also, most of the lyrics are correct.  
  
(The Gundam pilots hurriedly enter the recording studio, and the assistant, Lorraine Rivera, hands him the lyrics to the next song.)  
  
Trowa: WE TOLD YOU, Duo, that there was no time to stop at McDonald's!  
  
Duo: But Winner stopped there anyway! So it's really his fault!  
  
Quatre: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS BLAME EVERY LITTLE INSIGNIFICANT THING THAT GOES WRONG ON ME?  
  
Heero: Because every little insignificant thing that goes wrong IS always your fault.  
  
Wufei: Can you weaklings just shut up and record the fucking song?  
  
Quatre: Whatever.  
  
Duo: Sure.  
  
Heero: ::inaudible murmurs::  
  
Trowa: ///,*  
  
(Everyone goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.)  
  
Wufei: I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright  
  
Gonna let it all hang out  
  
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice  
  
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout  
  
No inhibitions, make no conditions  
  
Get a little outta line  
  
I ain't gonna act politically correct  
  
I only wanna have a good time  
  
The best thing about being a woman  
  
(Music stops as Wufei pales and glances at his giggling companions. He drops the sheaf of papers in shock and dragon-like fury.)  
  
Wufei: KISAMA!!! Who wrote this? I'll personally slit their throats!  
  
Heero: Shut up, Wufei, haven't you noticed that the tape's still on and recording?  
  
Wufei: BUT I'M NOT SINGING THIS PIECE OF DISTASTEFUL AND DEGRADING CRAP!  
  
Quatre: SHUT UP!  
  
Trowa: Just sing the stupid piece of degrading crap, okay? We'll talk later...  
  
Wufei: Can I alter the lyrics a bit, anyway?  
  
Duo: FiNE! WHaTEVER! JUST SING! I'VE GOT A DATE WITH HILDE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR AND I'D LIKE TO PICK HER UP BEFORE THE NEXT AFTER COLONY, OKAY?  
  
Wufei: Great! Someone gimme a pen!  
  
(Invisible hands give Wufei a pen, and he scribbles on the lyrics, changing some of them)  
  
Wufei: Where was I? Oh, yeah...  
  
The best thing about being a man  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...  
  
All pilots: Oh, oh, oh, totally insane  
  
Forget I'm a man and  
  
Women's shirts, short...flirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild  
  
Yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,  
  
Feel the attraction,  
  
Shave off my hair, do what I dare,  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free  
  
Yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Woman! I feel like a man!  
  
(Duo gives Wufei 'what the hell?' looks)  
  
Duo: What. the hell. is. this. shit. you're. dishing. out?  
  
(Trowa aims a swift kick at Duo's ass.)  
  
Duo: Ow...  
  
Wufei: The men need a break  
  
Tonight we're gonna take  
  
The chance to get drunk on the town  
  
We don't need romance  
  
We only wanna chance  
  
our money and gamble until we lose it all and frown  
  
Heero: You know Wufei, you're right... This is a degrading piece of crap!!!  
  
Duo: You stop and I kill you!  
  
Trowa: We're in this together!  
  
Quatre: Yeah! Confucius say, humiliate one, humiliate them all/  
  
Wufei: Aw, shut it, all of you!  
  
Wufei: The best thing about being a man  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...  
  
All pilots: Oh, oh, oh, totally insane  
  
Forget I'm a man and  
  
Women's shirts, short...flirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild  
  
Yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,  
  
Feel the attraction,  
  
Shave off my hair, do what I dare,  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free  
  
Yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Woman! I feel like a man!  
  
Quatre: Short flirts! Short flirts? Where the fuck did you get this?  
  
Heero: I'm hating Wufei already...  
  
Wufei: The best thing about being a man  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...  
  
All pilots: Oh, oh, oh, totally insane  
  
Forget I'm a man and  
  
Women's shirts, short...flirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild  
  
Yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,  
  
Feel the attraction,  
  
Shave off my hair, do what I dare,  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free  
  
Yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Woman! I feel like a man!  
  
Trowa: Woman? I feel like a man? Sweet baby Jesus!  
  
Wufei: I go totally ZERO  
  
Can you feel it?  
  
Come, come, come on baby  
  
I feel like a man  
  
Heero: I feel like a man? That's so lame! That's what you came up with? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!  
  
(The mixing guy gave a thumbs up to the pilots and turned off the record button. The pilots took off their headphones and started arguing)  
  
Duo: Wufei, man, that's gonna be the WORST single ever!  
  
Wufei: Blame the damn woman who gave me the butt-awful lyrics! I had to improvise, you know!  
  
Quatre (starting to cry): I don't even think we'll make it to Fortune 500!  
  
Trowa: Quatre, number one, YOU are already in the Fortune 500. You're the goddamn richest 20 year-old Arabian in the entire Earth Space Colonies. Number two, the Fortune 500 is for the richest people in the whole wide world, not for getting number one singles. The US Billboard Chart, or something like that, are the things we worry about. NOT the Fortune 500.  
  
(Heero cocks his gun and aims it at Lorraine Rivera.)  
  
Lorraine: Shit. We're...I mean, I'M out of here.  
  
(Snaps fingers and disappears into thin air.)  
  
Wufei: DAMN! You're always scaring off would-be victims!  
  
(Heero aims the gun at Wufei instead.)  
  
Heero: I see one standing in front of me.  
  
Wufei: Hehehehehe...don't be so hasty, Yuy...  
  
(Duo slams his noggin against the glass panel)  
  
Duo: Mr. I'm-So-Peace-Loving-I-Make-Others-Sick Winner, please do your job and separate Mr. Suicide Yuy and Mr. My-Ponytail-Is-So-Tight-That-I-Make- The-Blood-Go-To-My-Head-And-Go-Berserk Chang. AND KINDLY DO IT NOW BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF! And it won't be pretty...  
  
(Quatre groaned and plied the two suicidal psychopaths apart. He was thinking of teaching a course at college...'How To Handle Morons and Psychopaths.' He was getting quite good at it.)  
  
Trowa: Same time tomorrow, then?  
  
Heero (grumbling because Quatre confiscated his gun): Yeah, yeah...grumble grumble...  
  
(Relena bursts into the recording studio.)  
  
Relena: I WANT HEERO!!!!  
  
Trowa (indignantly): She's giving away tomorrow's song!  
  
Duo: I'd love to stay and kill her, but, like I said, I've got a date with Hilde. I can leave the killing up to the three of you.  
  
(He puts on his coat and eyes Quatre.)  
  
Quatre: WHAT?  
  
Duo: Nothing.  
  
(Leaves the studio in order to avoid another clash of the Yuy-Peacecrafts.)  
  
Heero: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
(Grabs Wufei by the collar)  
  
Heero: HIDE ME!!!  
  
(Relena manages to smash the glass panel and paws at Heero)  
  
Relena: HEEROOOOOOO!!!  
  
Heero: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
(Runs away frantically screaming obscenities in various languages. Relena chases him.)  
  
Relena: HEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
(Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre watch them run away.)  
  
Trowa: So...you guys wanna go get some grub?  
  
Wufei: What the hay?  
  
Quatre: I call dimsum!  
  
Trowa and Wufei: Whatever. 


	10. What's My Gundam Again?

What's My Gundam Again? (Parody of 'What's My Age Again?' by Blink 182)  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own Gundam Wing, still don't own Blink 182 or any of their songs. Damn.  
  
A/N: Hmmm...this one's for Marion J. Weber, who always refused to let me see the fanfics she was reading, which urged me to go to FF.net and print out fics for my eyes only.  
  
Other stuff: Hmm. This one just doesn't make any sense. But that's what you're reading this, right? Slight adult humor...but nothing you'll get nightmares about. And no, I don't think this will taint you for life.  
  
Trowa: I flew it out, it was a Friday night,  
  
I wore a Nazi costume, to get the feeling right  
  
I started losing my mind, it was the damn amnesia  
  
So I started thinking of Cathy  
  
And that's about the time it flew away from me  
  
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen  
  
And are still more amused by anime and manga  
  
What the hell is wrong with me?  
  
Duo says I should find my mecha,  
  
God, what's my Gundam again?  
  
What's my Gundam again?  
  
  
  
Duo (to Zechs): What the fuck do you mean we have to run through the street naked?  
  
(Lt. Noin seems to be Zechs' assistant in this one. She flips through a clipboard.)  
  
Noin: STREETS, Duo. Not street.  
  
Duo: Okay, what the fuck do you mean we have to run through the STREETS naked?  
  
Zechs: And yes, naked, nude, in the buff, in your birthday suits, unclothed, uncovered, bare, exposed, in the raw, need I go on?  
  
All pilots: NO!  
  
Trowa: And what are you going to do about it?  
  
Zechs (nonchalantly): Nothing, if everything were up to me. But unfortunately, the ACB (Anime Censorship Board) is going to view this, and if they see your disgusting privates, you guys will never get this aired on MTV and I'll never get filthy stinking rich and famous. So we're going to censor...your...naughty parts.  
  
Heero: NOBODY SEES MY FAMILY JEWELS!!!  
  
Zechs (snorting): Except Relena?  
  
(Heero's eyes widen, his fists clench, and his face scrunches up. It's the infamous Yuy suicidal phase. And he lunges at Zechs, grabbing his hair and pulling them in all directions.)  
  
Zechs: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! SECURITY!!!!!!  
  
Heero (whilst choking Zechs with his gun): Let! Me! Repeat! Myself! Nobody. Sees. My. Family. Jewels. Especially! Your. Damn. Sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zechs (gagging): Okay...okay...you can run through the streets with your clothes on! Just let go of my throat! Can't...breathe...  
  
(Heero lets go of Zechs' neck...reluctantly.)  
  
(Relena emerges from the sidelines wearing a cute nurse's outfit.)  
  
Relena: Zechs, am I gonna see Heero's thing now?  
  
Heero (incensed): WHAT NOW?!?  
  
(Zechs flushed and smirked at his sister, then slowly backed away from the crazy, gun-wielding teenager, who was already reloading his revolver.)  
  
Duo: Don't worry, Zechs man. We'll tell Noin that you're dead. I'll order your gravestone! Marble's great, right?  
  
Trowa: Yeah, dude! Think about it! Transparent with silver writing! It could read, "Milliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Marquise...he died because of a pornography scandal."  
  
Zechs: I have a big question. Since all of you dinks know that my real name is Milliardo Peacecraft, why do you keep calling me Zechs?  
  
(Laughter)  
  
Zechs: Why?  
  
(Laughter. Everyone's laughing so hard that some of them have lost consciousness. But Quatre attempts to explain through his brief fit of humorous insanity.)  
  
Quatre: Hahaha...Number one, it rhymes with sex...woohoohoohoohoo!!!!!!  
  
(Hoots and cheers from everyone, including Relena. Duo is rolling around on the floor, overcome by hilarity. Heero is shooting bullets at the ceiling, laughing. Trowa has given in to his emotions and is now slapping Wufei's back and hooting. Quatre has the ZERO System look on his face, except that he's accompanying it with giggling. And Wufei is slapping Trowa's back and roaring with laughter. They're slapping each other's backs alternately.)  
  
(Zechs is not amused.)  
  
Quatre (still rolling around on the floor): I mean, when you picked an alter ego for yourself, you could at least picked out a serious name if you wanted to be the bad guy!  
  
(Hoots and hollers in the background. Zechs is STILL not amused, and Relena has her hand on her brother's shoulder, trying too hard not to laugh.)  
  
Quatre: I mean, you could have tried Emerrett Q. Einstein, or Handsom B. Wonderfull, or I. M. Brilliant! JESUS! God almighty! I mean, I could have thought of something better than Zechs Marquise!  
  
Zechs (grummbling): Okay, fine. I know it sounds funny. But I found it on the side of a truck! What's the number two reason you use my fake name instead of my real one?  
  
Quatre: Because it's shorter, ya asshole!  
  
(Everyone loses all sense of sanity.)  
  
Zechs: Damn! Guards! Tranquilize these yahoos!  
  
(Guards come out and cattle-prod everyone.)  
  
Zechs: Are your asses sore enough?  
  
Duo: I speak for everyone when I say, HELL YES!  
  
(Rubs his ass)  
  
Trowa: I'm gonna whoop your ass once I get out of my damn contract with you and Lightning Baron Productions!  
  
Zechs: Shut up! All of you! I don't care if your rumps hurt worse than my prostate, but you knobheads are going to run through the streets dressed up as fruits, since you're not running through the streets in the buff.  
  
Wufei (indignantly): FRUITS? You want me, the last of the Dragon Clan, to run through the streets wearing a cushy portion of the food chain?  
  
Zechs: FRUITS. Heero, you're the strawberry...  
  
(Heero groans loudy as he puts on his costume.)  
  
Zechs: Duo, banana...  
  
Duo (protesting): BUT I HATE BANANAS!!!!  
  
Zechs: Awww...you hate bananas, and I hate your guts. Boo hoo, right? Mr. Silent, you're going to be a mango.  
  
Trowa: MANGO? WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD NAME, IS A MANGO????  
  
Zechs: It's a fruit, ya moron! Winner-Papa's-Boy, you're going to be a kiwi...  
  
Quatre (objecting): KIWIS GIVE ME HIVESSSS!!!!!!!! I can't be a kiwi!!!  
  
Trowa (curiously): What's a kiwi?  
  
Zechs: And I don't care! And last but not least, Last of the Dragon Clan I'm Full of Shitty Dignity Chang, you're an apple. A shiny, red apple.  
  
Wufei (sinking to his knees): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! KISSSAAAAA MMMMMAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
(Zechs smiles a grin of self-satisfaction.)  
  
Duo: And what happens to your slut of a sister?  
  
Relena (very peeved): Hey!  
  
Duo: Well you are.  
  
Relena: Sadly, yes.  
  
Zechs: WHAT?!?  
  
Relena and Duo: Nothing.  
  
Zechs: Then get to Central Park, ya nincompoops!  
  
All pilots (in unison): Fine.  
  
Zechs: And WEAR your costumes, for the love of shit!  
  
All pilots: Rats.  
  
  
  
(Scene switches to Central Park. Five fruits are standing around a wooden bench, looking stupid. Tourists from various animes, such as Cooking Master Boy, Gatekeepers, Oh My Goddess, and Fushigi Yuugi, are snapping pictures of them and gawking and giggling like mad.)  
  
Wufei: You should have murdered Zechs when you had the chance, Yuy.  
  
Heero (soberly): I know. It's sad.  
  
Wufei: Can I borrow your revolver so I can shoot him the minute he gets here?  
  
Heero: Absolutely not.  
  
Duo: I said it before, and I'll say it again. I HATE bananas.  
  
Quatre (wailing): I'M GETTING HHHIIIVVVVEEEESSSS!!!  
  
Trowa: You only get hives from something if you actually eat the food you're allergic to, dumbass!  
  
Duo: At times like this, I wish that we chose to run through the streets naked.  
  
Quatre: Yeah...  
  
Wufei (in agony because the polyester is making him itch all over): Is it too late to strip?  
  
Sally Po (from off-set): NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, CHANG!  
  
Trowa: And I STILL don't know what a mango is!  
  
(Finally, Zechs appears with Relena, Lt. Nichol (the cameraman), and Lt. Noin.)  
  
Zechs: Sorry I'm late. I just didn't care anymore. (Sits down in his director's chair) So, since we can't copy Blink 182, we've made it so that Relena chases you.  
  
(All pilots turn towards Relena, who is still wearing her nurse outfit, but this time is looking dazed, confused...somewhat drunk. And she was in a cage)  
  
Duo (flatly): You injected her with sugar, didn't you?  
  
Zechs (just as flatly): Hell yeah.  
  
Quatre (looking faint): Oh my God.  
  
Trowa: How much, pray tell?  
  
Noin (still checking her clipboard): Uh, let's see... um, 100% pure liquid glucose.  
  
Wufei: No wonder she's in chains.  
  
Zechs: Oh, duh! You think I'd let her loose? My name may rhyme with sex, but I'm not nutcase.  
  
(Snickers.)  
  
Zechs: SHADDUP! Shaddup! I can't believe you people don't shut up!  
  
(Snaps his fingers and Nichol, the cameraman hands each of the fruits a video camera.)  
  
Quatre: What in heck's name are these for?  
  
Zechs: You don't think Nichol, Noin and I will be chasing you around town while my deranged sister goes psycho on all of you, do you?  
  
All pilots: WHAT?!?  
  
Zechs: Hey, we're worried about our safety. We're hiding out in a triple- chromium plated see-through bomb shelter.  
  
All pilots: WHAT?!?:  
  
(Zechs motioned to Nichol to release Relena.)  
  
Zechs (sweetly): I suggest you better run. And sing your nonexistent hearts out!  
  
(Relena runs after the Gundam pilots in fruit costumes.)  
  
Zechs (to Noin and Nichol): TO THE BOMB SHELTER!!!  
  
(Heero looks behind him and sees Relena running towards them, her mouth all foamy like a rabid dog's.)  
  
Trowa (frantically): WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!?  
  
Duo: RRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zechs (from bomb shelter): YOU BETTER START SINGING, YOU STOOGES!!!!!  
  
  
  
Trowa: Then later on, on my lift home  
  
I prank-called Lady Une on my cellphone  
  
I said I was the undertaker  
  
And Treize has risen from the grave  
  
This state looks down inside of me  
  
Trowa: And that's about the time the schizo hung up on me  
  
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen  
  
And are still more amused by lemons and limes  
  
What the hell is caller ID?  
  
Duo says I should find my mecha  
  
God, What's my Gundam again?  
  
What's my Gundam again?  
  
Trowa: And that's about the time she came on to me  
  
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen  
  
And you still act like you're in junior high  
  
What the hell is wrong with me?  
  
My friends say I should act my age  
  
What's my age again?  
  
  
  
(Quatre is now presently wrapped tightly around a light post, a la Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. Trowa is hiding in a huge mailbox. Heero has managed to climb on top of a traffic light post...and is staying there. Duo is on top of a fire exit stairwell, and Wufei is perfectly content in the middle of Central Park's lake.)  
  
Zechs (through a megaphone): I CAN'T HEAR YOU GOOFS SINGING!!!  
  
(All pilots exchange worried looks, as Relena climbs up the traffic light post. Heero screams and jumps into an open manhole.)  
  
Zechs (to Nichol): Can you nip Trowa's ass?  
  
Nichol (peering through the sniper spyhole): Yeah, I think so...  
  
(Luckily, Trowa sees the sniper and twitches.)  
  
Nichol: Damn! He moved!  
  
  
  
Trowa: And that's about the time she freaked out on me  
  
No one should take themselves so seriously  
  
With many years to lose your mind  
  
Why would you want to get chased by a princess  
  
I never want to act my age  
  
I forgot my age again  
  
What's my age again?  
  
  
  
Zechs: Noin, slap me now.  
  
(Noin obliges.)  
  
Zechs: As soon as they finish this goddamned album, I'm checking myself into rehab!  
  
Noin: But you don't have a drinking problem!  
  
Zechs (grabbing a bottle of whiskey from Nichol's pocket): I do now. 


	11. Walkin' On The Moon

Walkin' On The Moon (Parody of 'Walking On the Sun' by Smash Mouth  
  
A/N: Warning: Skip all the pointless author's note and the other, minor stuff. Because, #1: It will most likely not interest you and #2: It probably doesn't concern you. I'm not sure which applies to each individual reader.  
  
Disclaimer: (Sung to the tune of the Alphabet Song)  
  
I-D-O-N-apostrophe-T  
  
O-W-N-G-U-N-D-A-M-W-I-N-G  
  
Or any of the songs by Smash Mouth, S-A-D-ly  
  
Now you know this disclaimer thingy  
  
Is so you big companies don't sue poor little me...  
  
A/N: Ah...this is for Ragart Enivid, who hates it when I don't talk, who thinks I'm a boring doofus, who almost never replies to any of my e-mails, and so on. But I love him anyway, the demented little fool.  
  
Other, minor stuff: Nothing, except I'm really running out of ideas. You people better give me suggestions along with your reviews!!! ::pout pout:: Also, this one just doesn't make any sense at all, and it's not really good. But read anyway, okay???  
  
Oh. Ah. I forgot. Here goes: I will stop writing parodies for a while, I guess. Since tomorrow, June 10, 2002, will be when (Oh God, no) school starts again. Aw, damn. So, just try and check on FF.Net if I have anything up. But I'm not one to disappoint anyone, so I WILL write parodies during algebra period (Why do we need that awful, awful subject?) when I have nothing better to do but *listen* to my teacher. In the words of my beloved Jamie Bell (Billy Elliot), "Fucking hell."  
  
Wufei: It ain't no joke I'd like to buy the Earth a toke  
  
And teach the world to do martial arts like Jet Li  
  
And teach the colonies to read ancient Chinese history  
  
Hey I know this is just a song but it's a condiment for the recipe  
  
Duo (grabbing the mic from Wufei): This is an OZ attack, I know it went out but hey! it's back  
  
It's just like any nuclear bomb, it implodes upon impact  
  
War's just like fashion, it's a passion for the typical suicidal war-freak  
  
Heero: Why must all of Mandy's parodies contain a passage that really humiliates me?  
  
Wufei (reassuring his friend): You're subconscious is just thinking that!  
  
Dorothy (from background): I'm not a war-freak! (Thinks twice) Oh yeah, wait a minute, I am. Sorry for wasting 5 seconds of your lives. (Undertone) Must…find…firearms…  
  
Duo: If you got the parts the bad guys'll come and kill you just to stay in their cliques  
  
All pilots: So don't delay, act now, Gundam parts are running out  
  
Allow if you don't die from nuclear meltdown, AC 206 to come down  
  
And if you try and follow up there may be a tomorrow for you but if  
  
The offer's shun, you might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Heero: A few million years ago women couldn't speak up, the Black Plague broke out  
  
And gundanium and titanium weren't even a cure for the gout  
  
And our ancestors smoked out each other with tons of crack around the bonfire  
  
Just a singin' a destroyin' man what the fuck happened?  
  
Trowa: Then some were spellbound with Harry Potter (yuck) some were hellbound  
  
Some they got shot down and some got back up and  
  
Fought back against depression  
  
And their kids were more Gundam pilots, oh so pro-yaoi  
  
Because damn pop music is smashing the true meaning of everything  
  
All pilots: So don't delay, act now, Gundam parts are running out  
  
Allow if you don't die from nuclear meltdown, AC 206 to come down  
  
And if you try and follow up there may be a tomorrow for you but if  
  
The offer's shun, you might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Quatre: It ain't no joke when Relena's handkerchief is soaked  
  
Heer (from background): You are SO dead, Winner.  
  
Quatre: With her tears because Heero's life has been stoked  
  
The bond has broke up, so throw up and focus on the close up  
  
Mr. Harry Potter can't perform no God-like hocus-pocus  
  
Duo (whining): I LIKE Harry Potter!  
  
Wufei: I do too, but the authoress prefers Lord of the Rings.  
  
(A/N: Why are you all looking at me? Is it wrong to like Lord of the Rings better? ::Kiddie pout, folds her arms across her chest::)  
  
Quatre: So don't sit back kick back, and watch the world get smacked and whacked  
  
News at eight o' clock, are you aware where your kids are?  
  
Put away the ZERO System before the ZERO System makes you go insane  
  
You need to be there when your Gundams are finally able to relate  
  
All pilots: So don't delay, act now, Gundam parts are running out  
  
Allow if you don't die from nuclear meltdown, AC 206 to come down  
  
And if you try and follow up there may be a tomorrow for you but if  
  
The offer's shun, you might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
You might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Might as well be walkin' on the moon  
  
Heero: What was the point of the entire parody?  
  
Trowa: There wasn't any.  
  
Wufei: Then why did we sing a pointless parody?  
  
Quatre: All parodies are pointless. They are written for the entertainment of writers.  
  
Duo: Wow, Winner, since when did you become Confucius Jr.?  
  
Quatre (in a Yoda-ish voice): We now eat, or later get hungry.  
  
Heero (in a spooky, Yoda-ish voice): Want me KFC.  
  
Wufei: Dimsum me.  
  
Trowa: TELETUBBIES!!!!!  
  
(Everyone looks at Trowa with a 'huh?' expression)  
  
Trowa: I'm sorry...I just couldn't think of anything.  
  
Quatre: That's because you don't talk.  
  
Trowa: So...you guys think I should talk more?  
  
(Duo, Heero, Quatre, and Wufei nod. I nod really, really fast)  
  
Trowa: Um, okay... (takes a long, deep breath)HowaboutthoseKnickshuhDuoYou'reAmericanrightyouliketheKnicksrightbeca useyou'reAmericanrighttheywonrightdidn'ttheymyname's TrowaBartonbutyoucancallmeNanashiwhichmeansnonamebecauselikeduhIdon'treallyh avearealnameunlessyoucountTritonBloomwhich iswhoCathythinksIamShe'skindaannoyingforsomeonewhothrowsknivesnemyfavoritest GundamisDeathscytheHellCustombecauseit'ssowickedIhateHeavyarmsbecausehe'salw aysrunningoutofammoIhaterunningoutofammo...  
  
(Heero, Duo, Quatre, Wufei, and I back away from Trowa carefully. We all sweatdrop.)  
  
Me: Okaaaayyy... who preferred Trowa when he didn't talk?  
  
(Everyone raises their hands.)  
  
Me: Okay, Trowa, don't talk unless you have to, okay?  
  
Trowa: Humph.  
  
Heero: I call pizza!  
  
A/N: Um, HEY! No offense to the Harry Potter worshippers, okay? I just like LOTR better. Is that a CRIME?  
  
(My muse of everything related to fanfiction, Ragart, whispers to me that it IS a crime-in England-to hate Harry Potter.)  
  
Me: Oh! Hehe...  
  
(Runs to the airport and buys a plane ticket back to the Philippines, where she'll be relatively 'safe.')  
  
A final note on the absurdly long, poor excuse for an author's note: I'm sorry about that. 


	12. MultiCultural Pie

Multi-Cultural Pie (Parody of 'American Pie' by Don McLean)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. You've read my stuff from Chapters 1- 11. You people should know already! Kidding. Anyway, aside from displaying my total lack of sense of humor, I would also like to say that I don't own the song 'American Pie' by Don McLean. Nor do I own Card Captor Sakura or Rurouni Kenshin or any of their characters.  
  
A/N: What collection of parodies wouldn't be complete without this famous song? I know the title sucks (WHO in their RIGHT MIND would re-name a song 'Multi-cultural Pie?' I raise my hand, walk onstage, and receive the award...) and the parody does a bit, too, ah, c'est la vie. Also, the story, as far as I can tell, is about the Gundam Band playing in the Sanc Kingdom, and shit happens.  
  
~@^@~ Anyway:  
  
Heero (in a whiny, childish voice): We all get equal singing parts, right? Since the whole damn song's so long, right?  
  
Quatre (matter-of-factly): You're just jealous because Mandy doesn't make you the lead singer no more.  
  
Heero: Why, in crap's name, would I be jealous?  
  
Duo (in a non-believing tone): I dunno...  
  
(A/N: Okay, okay, I'm sorry about that. Here's the parody for real.)  
  
Duo: A long, long time ago, Back in AC something something, The Space Colonies were all screwed up. And I knew that if I had my chance, I could make those Romefeller and Ozzie assholes dance And maybe we could live with that peace thing for a while But December 25, AC 195, Made me shiver With every suit and doll that the bad guys would deliver Bad news on the big screen TV in Times Square Screwed up my entire life I couldn't bear to see Trowa blow up my poor Deathscythe I remember that I did sigh When the people I love almost died Something touched me deep inside I guess I'm the only Gundam pilot who'll ever cry  
  
Hilde (from offstage): Yeah, right! You are SO SELF-CENTERED, DUO MAXWELL! Crying over your Gundam? Oh, please!  
  
Duo (protesting): It was a very, very, very, very nice Gundam!!!  
  
Trowa (patting Duo's shoulder): And it still is. It's better than my boring old Heavyarms. Wanna trade?  
  
Duo: Not on your untalkative little life, dude.  
  
Trowa: Aw, nuts.  
  
All pilots: So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..."  
  
Heero (fuming): Is it JUST ME, or do all of the songs we spoof poke fun at my everyday attire and at my suicidal nature?  
  
Wufei (reassuring Heero, at the same time patting his back): It's JUST YOU.  
  
Heero: Oh. Okay.  
  
Wufei (grabbing the mic out of Duo's hands): Did you know the history of this teenage boy His outfit's rumored to be made of Gundanium alloy  
  
Heero (outraged): WHAT? (to himself) Rats. There goes the secret to long- lasting clothes.  
  
Wufei: Did the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica instruct you to? Now do you believe in love at first sight Coz when Relena first saw you, you took flight And can you teach me how to handle women well?  
  
Sally (background): You can start by stop calling all women 'onna' and start acting like a 190's man!  
  
Relena (in her much saner state, poking Sally): Hmm, Miss Po, may I quote you as telling Mr. Macho to act like a 190's man?  
  
Sally (blushing): It...slipped out.  
  
Quatre (bursting with laughter): HANDLE WOMEN WELL?  
  
Wufei: SHUT UP! Well I know that you're really in love with Miss Dorothy Coz I saw you kissing her in the gym  
  
Trowa, Duo, and Quatre: WHAT?!?  
  
(They look at Heero, then Dorothy, then back at Heero)  
  
Sally and Relena: WHAT?!?  
  
(They look at Heero, who is right now blushing intensely. He looks like a bright red crayon.)  
  
Heero: I was high! I was high! After I danced with Relena, I took a long shower in the boys' locker room to get the cooties offa me! I WAS HIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Relena: Number one, Yuy, they're not called cooties. They're called lice. And my mom said that it's nothing to be ashamed of!  
  
(Dorothy and Sally look at each other with 'eep!' expressions on their faces and back away from Relena, as they unlock the recording room where the boys are singing and stay there. For hygienical and basically practical reasons.)  
  
Heero: What's number two?  
  
Relena: I didn't say there was going to be a number two.  
  
Heero: And then Trowa, Quatre, Duo, and Wufei smuggled some of the good stuff into the locker room and one thing led to another, until we all felt good...and happy...  
  
Duo (a la barbershop quartet): And high...  
  
Heero (agreeing): And high...  
  
Wufei: And high..  
  
Relena (smirking and folding her arms): Then what?  
  
Duo: THEN we saw the sadistic gym teacher make out with the cafeteria lady, you know, the one always in charge of the creamed corn and sprouts casserole?  
  
Quatre: Ugh, THAT was gross...  
  
Trowa: The food, or the fat cafeteria lady who waddles like Donald Duck?  
  
Heero: Eh.Donald Duck doesn't waddle!  
  
Duo: He does TOO!!!  
  
Wufei: So we ran out onto the dance floor, where we all danced with the guy students, mistaking the especially long-haired guys for girls.  
  
Sally (rolling on the floor laughing-ROTFL): You danced with Kenshin?  
  
Trowa (wrinkling his nose): Kissed him, in fact. And that Yue guy? I think Duo danced with him.  
  
Duo: He was a VERY PRETTY boy!  
  
Hilde: WhatEVER, Maxwell. I think we should see other people.  
  
Duo: WHAT?!?? HILDE, BABE! LEMME EXPLAINNN!!!!!!!  
  
Zechs: I'M GETTING ANOTHER HEART ATTACK!!! CONTINUE THE DAMN SONG WHILE I GET DEFIBULATED!!!  
  
Wufei (continuing): You both kicked off your garments with your shoes  
  
Relena : WHAT? You're not a virgin anymore?  
  
Heero: That doesn't make any sense!!!  
  
Duo (whispering to Heero): What? Well, are you? Or aren't you?  
  
Heero: I am! Still! I think.  
  
Wufei (rolling his eyes and totally ignoring everyone): Man I really dig all that crap about rhythm and blues I was a lonely teenage warrior from the Dragon Clan  
  
Sally (offset, snorting): With an attitude like that? Why am I NOT surprised?  
  
Wufei (unsheathing his katana): With a field of flowers and a wife named Meiran But I knew that I was out of luck The day I learned that American pop music sucked I started singin,  
  
All Pilots (except Heero, who still refuses to sing the goddamned chorus): So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..."  
  
Quatre: Now since we were 15 we've been on our own And Relena gets fatter as she is stoned But she didn't used to be When the Gundam Band sang for the Queen In as little clothing as possible could be seen And a voice that came from a secret karaoke machine  
  
Trowa: Oh, and while her brother the Baron was looking down Maxwell-no-baka stole his family's jewels (A/N: Yep, I'm grinning) without a frown The concert was stopped, Relena's last sane sensory organ had popped And while Wufei read a book on ancient Chinese history The quartet practiced in the observat'ry And we sang cover versions of The Archies, The day, we just sighed We were singin'  
  
All Pilots (except Heero, who still refuses to sing the goddamned chorus): So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..."  
  
Duo: Helter skelter wearing an intergalactic sweater Bombs came a-rainin' as we all ran to the Sanc Kingdom shelter Couple-a miles high, all falling fast All turned out to be duds, never did blast We all ran out, gonna celebrate With Yuy standing on the sides, straightening his broken vertebraeeee..  
  
Heero: Now the half-time air stank of goddamn tea While we pilots continued the concert played on TV Relena she tried to get me to dance But she never got the chance 'Cause she marched up onstage and tried to get the crowd to storm the field But oh, we just would not yield Do you recall Wufei's warty heiny revealed The day Heero tried to play Unwilling Groom of the Insane Bride We started singin' All Pilots: So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..."  
  
Trowa: Oh, and there we were, all in one place, Fireworks erupted in outer space With the distraction, ran away again So come on, Heero be nimble, Heero be quick, Heero, don't try to kill yourself with that candlestick 'Cause you're my only other suicidal friend  
  
Hilde (jumping and grabbing the mic from the seemingly mute boy): Oh and as I watched him running from the stage My heart was clenched in emotions of rage No angel, some guy from hell Was surely under Satan's spell And as the fireworks climbed high into the night To disguise the band's untimely flight I saw Satan in his purple eyes laughing with delight I just cried Some weird guy was singin'  
  
All Pilots: So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..."  
  
Wufei (struggling to get the mic away from Hilde): We met a girl who sang rhythm and blues, Heero just asked her for a noose, But she slapped him and turned away Yeah, we hid out at that occult store Where we'd heard some shitty music, years before The owner said that Gregorian chant would play  
  
[A/N: HEY! I LIKE Gregorian chant.]  
  
Duo: And in the streets, all the babes screamed The single women cried and the weak-hearted dreamed But not a comprehensible word was spoken, Sanc Kingdom's alarm bells all were broken And the three men I admire the most, Father Maxwell, Death, and the Holy Ghost They caught the last train somewhere else The day we heard they died And they were singin'  
  
All Pilots: So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..." They were singin So, why, why, did this Japanese guy Tank-top wearing, Spandex not changing, Carrying more artillery in his pandimensional shorts than pigs living in sties, Singing, "Now you're really gonna have to die..." "Now you're really gonna have to die..." 


End file.
